Feel the heal.


You know those things you keep bottled up inside? Stored away for safe keeping because you don’t want to process, understand, or deal with any sort of emotion? Well, I hate to break it to you, but that bottle is getting full, and it’s about to do a Diet Coke and Mentos experiment on your ass.

It’s time to slowly take small sips. It’s time to process and understand what you’re feeling…why you’re feeling. It’s time to water the grow and heal with the feel fertilizer.

It’s time to feel the heal.

When we decide to say yes to life, sometimes we get caught up in the yes and not in the moment. We tend to forget to feel and process why we are saying yes. When I first started my year of yes, I wasn’t sure what exactly I was getting myself into.

Was I expecting to have a ton of fun? Yes.

Was I expecting to unravel everything I had suppressed from my past to start the healing process? Hell no! I was just supposed to be saying yes and having fun.

But as I started saying yes, I ventured into a web of healing. Healing that I thought was done, not even knowing that I still hadn’t healed everything I thought I had, back when all that healing was supposed to be relevant.

Turns out, all the feelings I had suppressed, as I skipped my way through the scavenger hunt, collecting the next clue, moving on to the next piece of the puzzle—I had forgotten about dealing with the aftermath. I had forgotten that through all the growing and the fun I was having, I was supposed to be saying yes to feeling too. I was supposed to be feeling everything I was subconsciously trying to heal.

But sometimes we don’t want to feel. Anything. So we shut that door. Until we start to open our hearts and minds to new experiences, and the universe sets a path of breadcrumbs for us to follow. A path for us to unveil and discover through the healing.

And as I was trying to have the growth and healing catch up with the feeling, I forgot about what healing was. It was a process I had forgotten crept up on you, if you didn’t give it the proper time it needed to finally find peace.

The week of “I can’t win.”

Six months ago, I had a roller coaster of emotions kind of week. It was the end of 2016 and I was so desperately trying to grab every piece of myself that I could in this journey of yes I had agreed to take part in. While it felt like a ticking time bomb until the new year, I was making sure I kept going strong in the home stretch. But like all things, the roller coaster of emotions was starting to catch up to me.

The week before Christmas, a lot happened to me. I look back at it now and see that it was bold and brave until the very end. I was put in situations I didn’t think I could handle and yet I survived. I was challenged, doubted, lost, afraid, but I was still alive. 

Some of my I can’t win moments:

  • My dog decided to perform a magic trick of sorts that ended up scaring the living shit out of me while emptying out my wallet right before the holiday.
  • I was literally burned by one of my favorite beverages and have a huge scar to remember its betrayal.
  • On the day before Christmas Eve, I got in a fight with my brother where we both said some mean things.
  • When I thought everything was over, I was quite literally hit in the face by a flying machine that ended up giving me a ceremonial unicorn bump on my head.

These are all true stories.

I was done to say the least. But then I realized why all these things were happening to me. There was one more thing I said yes to in my year of yes.

I realized I had also said yes to being brave.

And sometimes, life doesn’t like it when you’re brave. It senses an imbalance in the force, and decides to knock you around a bit. Too make sure you’re paying attention of course, but in my case, this was quite literally.

But at the end of the year, I had said yes to being brave.

I had decided to follow my gut and pour my heart out. I took that bravery and grabbed courage. I agreed to meet with a spiritual counselor that God had so graciously made me stumble into the week before. Another unplanned breadcrumb in this journey of yes, where I finally got a chance to tell the story of the past 10 years of my life and my struggle with faith. I had reached out. I had been brave to choose to continue the journey. To heal and find the answers unveiled before me.

And after 10 years, someone finally looked at me, and instead of assigning a feeling or assuming anything about me, they said four beautiful words:

So, what’s your story?”

After all those years, I had realized that was the breadcrumb I needed—that’s all I really wanted. Someone to just ask me those four simple words.

To look at me, ready to listen, more than willing to take the time to understand me and hear about the journey that had brought me there—a nervous wreak, ready to unbottle and unveil. Ready to finally feel the heal. After all those years of fighting what had happened and ignoring the feelings, I told my story and had finally felt free.

Healing takes time.

I think at the end of the day, when you are trying to grow, feel and heal at the same time, you tend to forget about some of the things that come with those steps. But you have to remember that you need to take time to feel the heal. You need to unveil and marinate in the progress.

Healing takes time, sometimes years. And that is okay. You are on your journey to healing. But if you want to cut down on the time, start feeling. Feeling speeds up the process. Feeling helps you heal. Healing helps you live. And you my friend have a lovely life worth living.

It’s okay to be brave, it’s okay to pour your heart out. That is part of the healing. If you’re afraid that healing will leave you vulnerable and lonely, you are wrong. Healing, while the process is scary at first, will leave you stronger, wiser and lovelier.

More. Human.

There is absolutely no shame in asking for help, or asking a friend to lend an ear. You might be surprised to find that the person you ask for help from, might actually be going through the same thing you are. But you’ll never know, unless you decide for once in your life, to be brave and feel something that is going to help you heal.

Lovelee Lesson:

It’s okay to feel things. It’s okay to reflect on the pain you’ve endured and open up old wounds to feel the healing, but don’t dwell in them. Turn the healing into growth but remember to feel it, face it. Or else, it will never really leave you. It will stay inside you. It will sneak up on you and be triggered by things that you have yet to resolve.

Don’t hold back from closure, it’s okay to feel the growth you’ve healed. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about it. Call your friend, your mom, tell the next person you sit next to on a plane, anyone. Tell your story, feel free.

You deserve to feel your heal. 

You are ready to heal. 


You have to feel…so you can grow, so you can heal.

img_0639

We need to remember, it’s okay to feel.

For many years, I convinced myself that feelings weren’t something I wanted to get my hands into again. I closed the door, built a wall, refused to take myself down that path. I couldn’t feel anymore pain. I had been let down too many times, I was numb. It was just easier to not feel, to not understand, to not to try, to not risk. That way, I couldn’t hurt myself anymore or allow others in to hurt me.

I lived safe for many years. Just staring into the beautiful blue water of life that was in front of me, making every excuse not to jump in. But this past year, I decided to climb the wall and look ahead. I took the time to grow and heal. I took some risks, I took a chance—I decided to feel.

Nervously standing at the edge overlooking the water, I decided to be brave. I started to take down the bricks, one by one. Some were heavier than others, some had thorns and vines wrapped around them. Halfway through the deconstruction, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel because I still felt broken. But then I decided to let my broken windows open—it was time to let the light back in. So I just went with it—I started saying yes.

You own your feelings, no one else.

No one can tell you how or what you feel.

That feeling belongs to you and your soul. No one can tell you that what you’re feeling is wrong. And the same thing goes for the other person, you can’t know what someone is feeling, or assign a feeling to someone—unless they choose to share that with you.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone comes into contact with my resting bitch face…when they catch me in deep thought. They like to take one look and assign a feeling to me. “Why do you look so sad?” “Why are you mad at me?” “You look so tired.” These statements usually come from men who don’t know me, but assume that they do. Surprising, I know.

Did they ever think that maybe I’m processing a feeling? Maybe I’m daydreaming. Maybe I just got a really good idea and I’m trying to give it time to hatch. Maybe I’m realizing something. Maybe I’m healing something. Maybe I’m growing. Maybe I’m talking to God! Maybe I’m doing math. Maybe I’m deciding whether or not I want something, versus recognizing the need for it. Maybe I’m just hungry and I really want a taco. But, the people that assign a feeling to my resting bitch face, they will never know. Because they never asked the right questions. They never took the time to be selfless and show interest that they actually, really cared.

Here’s a new approach…

How about instead of assuming other people’s feelings, we simply started genuinely asking…

How are you today?

Are you doing okay?

What’s your story?

And if they respond with, “You know what, I could really use a friend right now…” We lend an ear, we be an actual friend. We take the time to find out what is happening in this person’s life, instead of assigning a feeling or simply assuming what they are feeling. How about we try to be more human with one another?

Take the time to process and understand your feelings.

You are not a child, nor are you an idiot for having feelings. You are a human being, you feel emotions, you feel things. There’s nothing wrong with feeling—feeling things is what makes you human. It’s okay to feel. But remember to take the time to process and recognize what you’re feeling.

Ask yourself:

Why am I feeling this?

Why did I need to feel this?

Why did I want to feel this?

Why do I not need to feel this anymore?

Take back your feelings. Don’t let anyone hold them hostage.

Other people’s feelings towards you…

Just like someone can’t assign or assume a feeling for you, you the feeler, can’t assume their feelings either. I’ve heard so many times people give excuses for the way people treat them. Saying things like, “Oh she’s just jealous of me” to justify that you’re better or that they’re not a good person. Hate to break it to you, but that’s still you assigning a feeling to someone.

Instead of assuming, take a moment and ask yourself, “What caused me to say that? Why is she really being mean?” I’m not doing anything wrong. No, you’re right. You’re not doing anything wrong if you’re just being yourself and holding yourself to your standards. In this scenario, that’s you giving an excuse for someone’s mean behavior towards you.

You could always talk to the person about how they’re making you feel and uncover their feeling instead of assuming it. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t. But you’ll know when to walk away if they don’t want to share what their feeling, and instead start to make you feel worse. But however you approach them, make sure it’s in person as adults and not behind a screen. If they’re giving you a bad feeling about yourself, that’s not going to help you grow or heal. That’s going to trigger you to keep touching the wound and continue to build walls up that won’t allow you to see the beautiful life ahead of you. You need to surround yourself with people that make you feel good.

They may be super nice, I’m sure in some aspect they’re a great friend! But, when they say arrogant things, that doesn’t make them good people to be around. You deserve people that lift you up. There is a world full of beautiful people that deserve you. It’s okay to walk away from a bad seed feeling. It’s okay to look for better friends. It’s okay to decide, you know what, I’m not going to feel this anymore.

A real relationship is a two way street.

But it’s also not a contract. You can’t demand someone to share something deep with you if you tried reaching out and shared something deep with them. Sharing parts of your soul with people is a good thing. It makes you human. As human beings, we crave connections. We want to tell our stories, we naturally want to help people—we want to be there for people. That doesn’t make you crazy; that makes you kind and loving.

You can’t rush someone’s timing on processing a feeling. All you can do is offer an ear, a cookie, a hug, a coffee, a beer—a get-out-of-jail-free-card that says:

I know you’re not ready to talk about this, but if and when you are, you can cash this in, because I’ll be here for you.”

Sometimes the other person won’t give you a chance to explain your feelings, and that’s okay. It’s your feeling. They might be involved with the feeling, but at the end of the day, the closure that you seek is within you. Don’t confuse the feeling of needing to reach out to explain yourself, with why you need to process and understand that feeling. That need to reach out, is you just wanting someone to understand. And that closure you seek, is you screaming out to you, saying:

Feel this. Understand this. Grow from this. This is what I want you to heal from this. Talk to me, not them.”

Act on your feelings for growth and healing.

About a month ago, I acted on a feeling. I was brave, I took a chance. I wasn’t wrong for acting on impulse, I wasn’t crazy for allowing myself to have feelings for someone. I might have not known them very well, but we met a few times, words were exchanged, feelings were developed.

It was something that needed to happen, to heal a part of my past and to grow to understand the reason for my feelings. So, I took some time to ask myself those questions…

Why did I need to feel this?

Why don’t I need to feel this anymore?

I learned what was leading me to feel that way, why I needed to go through that. And after taking the time to process everything, I felt so powerful. I finally understood the bigger picture. But I had to feel something in order to learn that, I had to allow myself to feel, in order to heal that wound and grow into a better understanding person. I needed to have a better understanding of my feelings, no one else’s.

Lovelee Lesson:

You cannot heal or grow without feeling. Your soul doesn’t work that way. If we spent time trying to find closure within ourselves to understand our feelings better, I think we would all live happier and healthier lives.

Assigning or assuming a feeling to someone, that’s easy. We don’t have to actually know how someone is doing or know how their day went, we get to sound cordial without doing the work. We get a pass for just being nice. But nice isn’t always good. Assuming feelings has become society’s easy button. And we need to take the time to actually talk to each other face to face if we’re ever going to make real connections. You’ll start to find that some people won’t always stay in your life forever. Sometimes we need to reevaluate those who make us feel worse about ourselves. Because, that’s a feeling we need to learn to recognize immediately. We need to remind ourselves that we are lovely, kindhearted human beings, and we might have to just walk away.

No one can tell you that what you’re feeling is wrong or unhealthy. You have to be the one to process those feelings, to realize what about those feelings led you to grow and heal, why you had to feel them. Because, it’s okay to feel things but there’s no need to dwell in them. We need to learn how to turn those feelings into growth, into healing. But, you do really need to feel it. Or else, it will never really leave you. It will stay inside you and rot. It will sneak up on you and be triggered by other things that you have yet to resolve. I like to think of the pair of lungs they would show us as kids during D.A.R.E., to show you what it looked like internally when someone smoked, how black and heavy the lungs were. Disgusting to look at. And you’d think to yourself, how could someone let the thing that holds your breath, keeps you alive, get that dirty, that poisonous?  

Think about that in the sense of you holding back your feelings. They’re going to grow as thorns around your heart, they’re going to weigh heavy on your soul. They’re going to consume you, and you won’t be able to compartmentalize them because it will be too late. The more you hang on to it, the more tar will make it feel heavy and bitter, instead of pure relief. The more you don’t allow yourself to understand, the more the vines will tangle and you won’t be able to tell the difference between the feelings they hold hostage. You won’t be able to grow, and you won’t be able to heal. You need to allow yourself to feel, before you can start to grow or heal. 

So, don’t hold back from feeling. It’s okay to feel the growth you’ve healed. It’s okay to have feelings, they’re bound to teach you something. It’s okay to seek closure within yourself and understand what you’re feeling.

You are a lovely human being—You. Deserve. To. Feel.